January is an odd parsnip: a month caught on the Biffin’s Bridge (look it up) between December’s acquisitional excitement/nutritional combustion and the Nuremburg Spielwarenmesse, it lingers (like an eggy fart) to taunt and depress one: back to school for the kids (boo!), back to life (back to reality) for everyone else. There’s nothing happening, the weather is pants, the Events calendar is blank, the podcast community is glowing in the aprés-spunkings of their Reviews of the Year. Apparently, the general rate of suicides peaks in January.
All those games you wanted after the Essen Spiel Buzz are now on eBay/re-selling forums for £Stupid because the great HiveMind has determined them to be Amazing/Awful – usually the latter being the ones you did manage to get but haven’t yet played and now feel slightly dirty/unsure about. Actually, that reminds me of something that really gets on my man-tits: A.N.Expert pronounces that Game X is terrible and is greeted by a slew of “Thanks for letting me know because I was just about to buy it *Phew*!”. Whatever happened to trying the thing out for yourself at some opportunity? I know that might mean – gasp! – waiting a bit and/or making a flippin’ effort but, you never know, it might be worth your while. The idea that some trembling mouse-of-a-gamer is actually reliant on these parping horns1 to determine the potential completion of their commercial transactions fills me with a palpitating rage; if Rahdo told them to buy Oracle at Delphi or Ein Fest für Odin because it makes you piss pineapples then they’d probably do it2. Probably.
For a month supposedly-pregnant with the hopes and opportunities of the new year ahead, it always ends up a catastrophic graveyard of failed resolutions, discount cookery equipment and ill-thought holiday bookings3. So why do we condone it? Why do we suffer this temporal turd-in-the-toaster to live? Named after the Roman God ‘Janus’4, the clues are in the name for all to see: the ‘J’ – as in that sarcastic ASCII emoticon – and ‘anus’. So, in an attempt to pep things up, I propose a new and different month; a month of workers joyfully-placed, of auctions merrily bid upon, of areas happily controlled, of decks efficiently-constructed and dice dextrously-rolled! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
Now fuck off (in a nice way) and play some sodding games!
1might be a compliment, might not.
2as any fule kno, Ein Fest für Odin, of course, actually makes you shit strawberries.
3”I’m pretty sure Egypt will be free from street-fighting and the indiscriminate slaughter of innocents by July, Mother.”
4(though I prefer to think it’s named after ianua, the Latin word for ‘door’ – as in door of the year)